I came across an article in the recent cleo magazine and found it an interesting enough topic to begin with. Why? Because my audience are mostly at the age of being a young adult, reaching the point whereby we hope to be treated somehow differently, whereby freedom and space becomes a big issue between the parents and us.
The situation I've observed is no longer about how late you come home, but about how many days your parents have not seen you. The rubber bands are already pulling at its furthest, but yet we are still yearning for more.
To most of us, moving out represents a period of growth, independence, freedom and stepping into adulthood. Besides the fact that we can finally eat fast food for every meal, club the whole night and come back dead drunk, wearing our socks for three consecutive days etc.
Will we suddenly too realise the heap of unwashed clothes piling up, the missing mum's famous homecooked meals and some warm yakking voices?
The writer wrote that many young people today simply can't wait to bid their parents adieu and strike out on their own. I know, who doesn't fancy the thought of having their own little space?
Many that I asked told me that money is the thing that stopped them from moving out. But I am sure there are factors which relates back to our culture, background and personality that are really holding us back. Comparing to the Westerners, Asian's thinking are certainly more conservative and chooses to walk on the safest side of the road. The environment and ways we are brought up also influence our mindsets.
To me, the biggest thing that I consider about is how the parents might feel. After so many years of hardship to bring a child up, putting up with all the little and big nonsense we gave, though not expecting much in return, who would bear the thought of the child moving out once his wings are grown.
I don't deny, after seeing many of my friends who came alone to Singapore for their studies, I dream about it too. But there are too many cons over the pros if I were to weigh them all out. Most probably because my mum does a very good job in showing me that life can't get any better with her around in the house and I am in really close terms with her. Plus since my dad is not with us, I feel the responsibility to be around her.
Now, the debate here is: Would you move out once you hit 21 if money wasn't going to be an issue? why? Lets share our views. (:
-sources from CLEO magazine and jupiter images.
Its true that parents feelings are a big concern when you are thinking about moving out. i've known of 30+ year-old sons who want to move out but are being held back because their parents don't want them to leave. It's an asian culture. Parents want to keep their children at home for as long as they can. In Western families, parents actually DRIVE their children out once they hit 21 or even when they hit 18. In Singapore. the HDB issue is another reason why 21-year-olds don't want to move out. So, money isn't the only issue.
ReplyDeletehi long,
ReplyDeleteya, the culture is certainly what makes the difference obvious. westerners want their child to experience independence and feel that this is going to be the best for them. while asians sees their child moving out as creating unnecessary troubles and worries.
of cos, these are perceptions and no way is there a right or wrong. but i certainly feel that the way asian parents treat their children are way too over protective, resulting in many over dependent young adults who wont strive all the way out for survival since they don't see the need to.
hdb? haha. if really putting aside money issues, you can rent or even buy a private apartment. keke.
but of cos you are right with your point too, most probably not being able to apply for the hdb flat is a reason why too. thanks! (:
Definitely agree with the point you made about how our parents would feel about their children wanting to move out as soon as they are ready.. Sometimes i'm amazed at how in the states people as young as 18 have already moved out and are living with friends etc..
ReplyDeleteMy mum is Scandinavian and she definitely does not want me to move out any time soon. One of the main reasons is probably because she does not want to be alone, considering that my dad does not stay with us as well. So I guess I would say I have that feeling of responsibility to take care of her too(:
Also agree a 100% about Asian parents being too over protective on their children. My grandmother still nags at my aunt when she comes home very late and interrogates her on where she has been. Heh poor thing.
I am definitely not one of the ones who want to move out of the house when I hit 21. I feel that there's a greater bond when a family stays together. Yes, I agree that there are bound to be conflicts every now and then but isn't that like normal? The thing is, once you move out, how often will you call up or visit your parents? Daily, weekly, monthly or maybe just once in a few months?
ReplyDeleteI feel that as long as we are not married, we should stay together with our families so that we can take better care of them. Call me traditional or what but that is seriously what I think. As daughters especially, once we get married, the chances of staying together with our parents are very low so I feel that if we are still able to do so, stay with our parents and take care of them for as much as we can.
Money is not the issue here actually because at the age of 21, you can work! Part-time job or what-so-ever, it's possible. Thus, I still think it's still the responsibility that we have to bear. Our parents have brought us up to such an age, and it's our turn to repay them for everything they have done for us.
Years ago.. due to differences with my mom, I moved out, leaving my brother in a lurch to take care of my mom. I stayed with my aunt's family till i was married. Since then, I had been living in heaven because my aunt had been super kind to me, supported me and my uni education. Without her, i would not be who i am now. I am deeply grateful to her. Staying with my lovely cousins compensated my loss of kinship with my brother. Never felt the loss until the eve of my wedding, when I chose to stay at my mom's house for customary sake. It dawned on me that i had been very selfish, foresaking my own family all those years, causing distant relationship with my brother and mom. I could never bring back the kinship anymore. That's my regret of moving out.
ReplyDeleteya, stephanie and shar,
ReplyDeletei am really glad that many of us are still putting in the concern for our parents. but is that really all? or are we trying to push the entire fact of us not wanting to leave the comfort zone to our parents? hmmm. i'm sure there are other reasons that are stopping us from moving out. (:
hello grayze jie,
ReplyDeletethanks alot for sharing your story with us, it makes me really feel alot.
after what you have been through, would you still encourage young adults to move out of their comfort zone?
do you think moving out had actually helped you grow or benefitted you in any ways? like being more independent and responsible etc.
i guess it differs from different families, and hopefully, moving out need not necessary means the family getting distant. there are people who thinks that it minimize the arguments and grew even closer when they realize they had been taking things for granted.
most importantly, moving out is a big decision, and should not be hastily decided just for a moment of stubborness. right? (:
i'd surely hope to move out someday if i have the ability to afford it. not because i'm able to part my mom. but because i feel that it's probably the best way to gain your independence instead of constantly depending on your family. furthermore, singapore is such a small island. i'm sure visiting your parents wouldn't be a problem.
ReplyDeletebut certainly there are more issues to money when considering the fact of moving out. sometimes it isn't just the matter of fact if you're willing to part with your family but to whether your family is able to part with you.
whatever the case, there're certainly advantages and disadvantages of moving out. (:
Other than money, there will still be issues like having elderly at home that need an extra pair of eyes or hands to take care of. Or the fear of leaving the comfort zone, the ability to adapt and do all things by oneself without the ability to just shout: mom, can you help me with this or that, I am running late etc etc...
ReplyDeleteI am also one whom can't wait to move out and have a place of my own. A thought, a plan that never leave my mind, brain and heart for even a second then. But sometimes, there are just so many constrains.
Luckily for me, I embark on a flying career after I completed my studies. Home is like yet another hotel stay. I simply love the freedom. And after a few years of saving up, I manage to save enough to go overseas to pursue my studies.
I treat it as my "moving out" and during this period of time I know one thing for sure, I grow up! I become more independent. I got to deal with a lot of things myself. I can't just run away.
It's a great experience which I encourage others to do so. Move out and learn to grow up! But, don't forget to still find time for family. Moving out does not need to be a permanent act.
Dear Sylvia,
ReplyDeleteAnswering your questions below:
"...would you still encourage young adults to move out of their comfort zone? do you think moving out had actually helped you grow or benefitted you in any ways?..."
Technically speaking, I did not move out to stay alone. In fact I was given a shelter which provide alot more than my own family.
Nevertheless, my answer is: YES, ONLY IF...
1). they can afford it themselves, without asking the parents to fork out extras to provide for them.
2). they are mature enough to take care of their own well-being, safety & health.
3). they continue to maintain close contact with the family members despite staying at different places.
4). their parents do not need to be taken care of.
Looking at another perspective, it might be a NO answer too.. Why "dying" to shift out when single?? Afterall, majority of adults shift out to form a nucleus family when they get married.
Living in my own world of thoughts for myself, I would and love to move out once I hit 21. I need my own space, not being constraint in just "my own room". I want a space that I can create, design of my own liking. Other than just physical space, I need my mental space. Being a 18 year old kid, parents still bug you to go home early when you are out having fun with your friends, parents gave you curfew and promised to "Chain" the door up if you are unable to return by a certain time. All these totally just made me wants to move out as soon as possible, be it staying alone or with friends.
ReplyDeleteThere are also other pull factors that makes me wants to move out at the age of 21 is that some parents are just too busy that they set the wrong example. "Home= Hotel" They came home rest, sleep and bathe. The next moment, you see them heading off to work again. The feeling of home is no longer there. Thus I just feel that anywhere can be called home, as long as I am home to sleep and bathe.
Having conflicts at home also adds on the thinking of moving out once 21. Young adults just want to have peace. Everyone have their own way of doing things and different view thus when a different perception is being imposed, many would want to move out so that they would not need to face it anymore. One example is that when you have a conflict with your dad, you wouldn’t want to see him, thus you will be hiding in your own room and hopes that he gets out soon or head to room and you will head out. In such situation, most would just wants to move out.
The age, 21 seems to be an age that we should start standing on your own to press on in life. Be independent, not right away but slowly. Have the feel of having power over everything, have the feel of handling things our shelter used to handle. In this Asian context, people going 21 are given the “KEY” to freedom to everything, on their birthday. So this also contributes to why I would like to move out once I hit 21.
And I also believe that, it would be a great experience to try handling things, getting away with messy rooms, having the freedom for space, etc. As long as money is not the issue, determination shall do the talking.
I would definitely not be 'dying' to move out when I turn 21, with money or not.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I do not see the need to do so. I come from a supportive family and have a space of my own in my home. Yes, there maybe some constrains at times. But it have never bothered me too much. In fact, neighbours are more worrying than parents when I have friends over till late.
Secondly, always remember to consider the feelings of your parents. They never abandon you when you are a burden to them, never leave them when you could do so, also consider if they can leave you. Some may provide parents with allowance as atonement. But money is not the only thing parents need. Some may justify moving out by promsing to visit. But how often? Once a week? Once a month?
Sadly, people always got too caught up in their own commitments and priorities that they have no time or simply forgot to visit. For most adults, visiting parents is never a priority because we don't need them anymore. Forgetting or not bothering that they need us. Even if you visit 3 times a week, how about the other days? Parents will feel lonely too. They will miss their children. Do not assume its enough for them to have the company of their spouse and other friends.
Others may prefer to think that parents can always visit when they want too. But some limitations may prove this to be difficult. It always pains me to see elderly travelling alone on public transport. And many parents may be afraid to visit in fear that they are bothering us, especially when we say we will visit them when we are free. Thus, no visit = busy = they should not visit us too. Many parents are considerate and afraid of their children. Most children are fierce to their parents. We should reflect on this. Why are we taking our parents for granted? Why are we nicer to our friends than to them? How can this be right?
It makes a huge difference to stay together, no matter how little time you stay at home. Parents feel joy in just seeing their child each day, to know if they are sick or well. You can always depend on your parents when you are young, let them depend on you when they are old.
I am currently studying in Australia. Yes, it does provide me a chance to be independent. It also does allow me to have more freedom. However it does not make me desire a place of my own when I return to Singapore. While I am here, I miss my family, I am worried about my parents, about their health, about their safety, about their feelings. I call my mom every night and can feel her loneliness at times.
Of course, this can be different for everyone. Some may move out because they think their parents don't need them. Maybe this is true for some. But always consider the mental aspect of needing instead of just the physical limitations. Parents need not only monetary support from their children.
Despite all, I do feel that there is a need to have a place of your own at 21 only if you are starting your own family. This is to avoid possible conflicts and hostility due to differences in habits and culture. But I would still hope to live close to my parents, to be their neighbour. This would allow frequent contact and prompt assistance when they need me. Moreover, this can also allow them to visit me easily when they want instead of just me choosing when to visit.
However, if money is not an issue I would buy a holiday house for parties and gatherings with friends and families.
I apologise for this long entry. Overall, my point is that we should also consider the feelings of our parents instead of just selfishly thinking about ourselves when considering to move out.
no cuz i think i wont hv the money since i am 23 le. but even i hv the $ i dun think so cuz think they will be worried of mi cuz to them i am sort of "young".
ReplyDelete